Red.

It’s 7:46 early evening and I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the clock, drink in my hand, waiting for the next two minutes exactly.  A fifteen year ritual I’ve done every June 18^th, no matter what day it falls upon.  Usually in all black, not drunk but buzzed, I begin sobbing at this very moment for in two minutes, I’ll be all out bawling.  Uncontrollably at how that precise moment in the past changed my life.

The moment I killed my two year old daughter….

Last night, I had a dream.  They say we don’t dream in color but I know red when I see it.  And I saw it.  A blanket, light crimson, was just lying on the side of the road.  I don’t know where I was going to or coming from but it seemed out of place, totally clean in a puddle of mud.  Intrigued, I stopped and picked it up.  They also say you can’t smell in a dream…

My daughter was crazy!  My little dare devil I called her.  The first time she fell off the bed sent my wife into a complete shock but before she could cradle her from the floor, my daughter had rolled over and laughed hysterically.  Now receiving kisses in my wife’s arms, she reached for the bed, requesting to be replaced upon it.  My wife did and she immediately crawled towards the edge only to have her little legs grabbed with concern.  She started crying, my wife released and they played this game for a few more rounds.  Ultimately, my wife placed eight pillows on the floor and let her free, didn’t grab her legs and poof!, she plopped right on the floor.  Overjoyed, she laughed like crazy.

Our little daredevil.  And that was just the tip of the iceberg.  As she got older, she’d try and climb trees, wasn’t hesitant to chase down bugs and catch them (and of course try and eat them), jumped in puddles and graduated from the bed to now the couch, dining room table and kitchen counter.

My wife was away on business and my daughter and I had gone to a new park on the other side of town. I wore her out.  There were tire swings, swing sets, hills to roll down, sandboxes and monkey bars.  At dusk, we left and dessert-ed the day with some ice cream cones.  All smiles, was I, as I glanced back as she laid fast asleep in her car seat.  Moments before the light turned green, pow! We were rammed full speed in the rear end.  Our car flipped and I groggily escaped, only coming to once I noticed the passenger side, the side my daughter was on, completely mangled and jammed against the ground.  Some good Samaritans had already beat me there but I darted  to help free my daughter.  There were five I remember, four tried to free my child and the fifth held me back.  “We got this, we’ll get her out, just have a seat,” he instructed with force, trying to keep me from getting closer.  But my eyes got free and all I remember seeing was the blood.

Red.

My daughter would eat a peanut butter sandwich every morning, some milk and some grape juice.  For lunch she’d have some nuggets, more grape juice and a pear.  She ate what we ate for dinner but let it be known that she loved spaghetti, which as a result, we had often.  Silly putty she played with daily as well as her crayons, dolls and of course the outdoors, so needless to say, at bath time, she was funky.

For fifteen years, I lived with the thought that I killed my daughter.  The what ifs, the whys, the why nots, but last night, when scooped it out of the mud, I sniffed it and smelled the peanut butter, the milk, the grape juice, the nuggets, the pear, the silly putty, the crayons, the outdoors and her funky little self all in that blanket.  I didn’t kill my daughter I realized when I awoke.

Usually all black, but today, I put on a nice red t-shirt and went to the kitchen and made a peanut butter sandwich.  I had a glass of milk and a shot of grape juice.  For lunch I had some nuggets, more grape juice and a nice, ripe and juicy pear.  I ordered some silly putty which arrived a couple of days ago and my wife and I are going to play with it a little later under the tree we planted in memoriam and of course we’re going to bring some crayons and draw some child inspired pictures.